credit IdiotSite

Tourists and Kids at the Movies


BRAD: Tourists are the ones in shorts with sandals on their feet
When I drive around, I run them over in the street!
I do that for my town's own prediction
I am singin' this song for the ignored section!

KAREN: Tourists from Japan are really the best
They're used to traveling without any rest
I look just like them, aw, what the heck
Except that I don't have a great big camera on my neck!

COLIN: The other day, I was at a movie, the kids were all loud
They were makin' noise and throwin' stuff, what an ugly crown
I told them there's something, and then they all cried
I ruined the movie, told them Bambi's mother died

RYAN: I hate it at the movies, when all the kids scream
I have to admit that is really not my scene
But one thing's for sure, an usher I will not call
I just sit in front of them, I'm over six feet tall!

ALL: Over six feet taaall!


Getting your pizza late


BRAD: I ordered a pizza, on a movie date
and then I got so mad because the damn pizza was late!
By the time it got there, it was frozen and I cry
I was so darn angry that I shot the pizza guy!

KATHY K: I wanted a pizza, I was really hungry
I can't cook much, so I ordered, you see
When the pizza came, it was very cold, the cheese was hard and all
and the sausage was petrified, I was really mad, oh!

COLIN: I'm waiting for my pizza, it's been, three hours now
I'm getting really angry, just like a British cow
It really is upsetting, I'm going to really go
When he gives me my pizza, I won't give him his dough!

RYAN: My uncle died yesterday, he owned a pizza place
Right in the coffin, he looked peaceful with his face
Cooking pizzas was so fun, and his name was Sid
When I opened up the coffin, he was stuck to the lid!

ALL: Stuck to the liiid!


Commercials


GREG: I'm in advertising, you know my name is Rick
and I am really groovy, 'cause I am not a brick
I am going to sell you stuff, stuff that you don't need
because I have one motivation, and that's massive greed

WAYNE: Why don't you buy this stuff, you baby boomer
I know you've got lots of cash, you are a big consumer
Man, oh man, everything from cars to fast food I sell
My biggest slogan: "Yo Quiero Taco Bell!"

COLIN: I hate commercials, what a waste of time
They take up all the program, it really is a crime
They seem to waste all the time from my precious life
Thank god there's sixty seconds, then I can make love to my wife

RYAN: I buy lots of products, when I'm at home alone
It's really, really easy, you order them by phone
Not to order these things, is really kinda hard
but I never worry too much, I use Colin's credit card

ALL: Colin's credit caaard!


Blind date 1


WAYNE: So there I am, I got a message in a bottle
I'd won a free date with a tall supermodel
She was about six-foot-five, but the date was really lame
I didn't have a good time 'cause we played The Crying Game

DREW: I used to hate blind dates, they never did work out
They'd give me a kiss on the cheek, and then they'd throw me out
Nowadays my blind dates, go off without a hitch
I know I'm not good lookin' but I'm really really rich!

COLIN: I had a blind date, it really was the pits
Nothing worked all night, I kept getting hit
She really was abusive, man, oh, man, oh, man
But what else can you expect when your blind date is Roseanne?

RYAN: I had a blind date, just the other night
The type of girl that really shouldn't be in the light
She wasn't really attractive, she was kind of bland
But she still beat the hell out of using my right (censored)


Going bald


BRAD: I am losin' my hair and it really is a pain
I find out every morning when I see the shower drain
But if you can see, it isn't quite for me
but at least I'm not quite as bald as Colin Moch-a-rie!

DREW: Aw, man, took my rhyme. I was gonna do that! (laughs) Uh...

I have all my hair and I really am quite happy
I like puttin' stuff in my hair, it makes me look real snappy
I love to comb my hair, I never need a breather
I'm real happy I'm not Colin Mochrie either!

COLIN: People always kid me 'cause I'm losing all my hair
I can't really help it that I'm follicly impaired
It really is quite horrible, but my life is not through
I still get way more sex than either Brad or Drew!

RYAN: Losing all your hair isn't really that bad of a deal
A lot of women love just the way it feels
Just think of it as, just a little more face
and you can rent it out as advertising space!

ALL: as advertising spaaace!


Birth


WAYNE: Thank goodness for my mom that I was made
It was twenty-seven years ago, that my dad got (censored)
That's right, you see, upon closer inspection
I'm standin' here 'cause he didn't use protection!

DENNY: When a woman gives birth, her man is filled with pride
All through the delivery, he stands right by her side
But nine times out of ten, she'll say to him, "you jerk!
You got to do the fun part, and now I do all the work!"

COLIN: Ellen is my wife, the other day, she gave birth
It was the most beautiful thing, on this god's Earth
When I saw her do it, I said "Oh, my god, dear Ellen,
looking from this angle looks like a straw passing a melon!"

RYAN: I came out of my mother, at exactly ten-to-five
Everyone screamed and ran and yelled "it's alive!"
I can't really blame them, I guess it was kinda scary
Everyone tells me I resembled Drew Carey!

ALL: Resembled Drew Careyyy!


Surgery


GREG: When I went to med school, I was very proud
When I got my diploma, I yelled right out loud!
I did an operation, and I did my part
His name was Newt Gingrich, and I removed his heart

DREW: I had an operation, to take out my appendix
The name of my doctor, was Dr. Bendix
I hope soon that I get out all my stitches
'cause let me tell ya brother, they hurt like sons of guns!

COLIN: Throughout my life, I used to laugh like this: "He-he-he"
Not so since I've had some major surgery
It really went horrible, it realized all my fears
Because of that surgery, I now pee out my ears!

RYAN: My brother needed surgery, but we both were broke
I took him to a veterinarian as a little joke
He never complained, I didn't hear a peep
So I thought, "what the hell?" and had him put to sleep!

ALL: Had him put to sleeeep!


Television


WAYNE: When I was growin' up, my life was really fun
I was a latch-key kid, I was raised by Rerun
All it was deep inside, a gap knee-deep to fill us
Best thing I loved to say was "Whatchu talkin' about, Willis?"

DREW: Here's my story, hope you don't think I'm a moron
but I like to watch T.V. without any clothes on
Someones it raises a fuss, raises up a storm
'cause I'm always watchin' it in the lounge in my dorm!

COLIN: The other day, I went out and got a new T.V.
Just the thought of watching it filled me up with glee
But when I turned it on, you know, boy, I really lost it
because the only thing it picked up was "Veronica's Closet"

RYAN: As an actor, there's nothing on T.V.
I think they should have a show about me
I don't think that's odd, I don't think that's real scary
And it'll happen when I murder Drew Carey!

ALL: Murder Drew Careyyy!


IRS


GREG: Whoo-hoo!
Got to pay your taxes, to the government
Because you know each dollar, is so very-well spent
You have got to pay them, but here's a little switch
I never pay my taxes, because I am so rich

DENNY: You know I hate the IRS, they think that they're so tough
They said I paid my taxes, but I didn't pay enough
To check me out, they audited my mother and my sis
So I showed up naked at their door and said, "Hey, audit this!"

COLIN: I live in Canada, there is no IRS
I still have to pay taxes, but I'm not that distressed
I owe 18,000; but please understand
I'm not that worried 'cause that's five bucks American

DENNY: Yee-haw!

RYAN: Singing about the IRS, a bell doesn't ring
You know I'm not very good, when I have to sing
Singing these hoedowns, on Whose Line, you know
But I don't really care 'cause I'm on another show

ALL: I'm on another shooow


Car Salesmen


CHIP: Yeee-haw! Tulsa, Oklahoma! Saaalute!

I went down to my dealership, I tried to buy a car
He tried to sell a lemon, but he didn't get too far
I found a lot of steals and I found a lot of deals
and then I bought a Pinto but it didn't have no wheels

DREW: Well, I wanted a Chevy, but I didn't want to get bored
and then I thought, "maybe a Mercury, maybe I'll get me a Ford"
But when it came down to it, I didn't make a fuss
'Cause I didn't have any money anyway, so I'll just take the bus

COLIN: I met a car salesman, he didn't have no ethics
and I believed his every lie, it really was pathetic
He did horrible things that no good man ever should
I came home early, found him checking under my wife's hood

RYAN: Oh, boy, those German cars, do they cost big bucks
I looked at the price tag, and I am full of yuks!
Oh, those Porsches, more expensive than the others
unless you're Drew Carey and get them free from Warner Brothers!

ALL: Free from Warner Brotherrrs!


Drinking


BRAD: I can't find my car keys, 'cause I'm so full of booze
I smell just like vodka, I just threw up on my shoes
I don't even know where I put my pants
So I'm just gonna wear a lamp shade, and run around and dance

DREW: Well, makin' up songs in a hoedown, puts me to the test
and to tell ya really frankly...I'm not at my best
I'd do better...I could really...think
but ABC...well, they don't let me drink

COLIN: The other day while playing golf, I had a lot to drink
As I reached the first tee, I could barely think
I hit the ball really hard, the guy is barely alive
which just goes to prove, if you drink, don't drive

RYAN: I got naked in a bar, I took off all my clothes
How I ever got that drunk, nobody knows
I passed out naked on the bar, I only had a sip
The waitress came to clean up and I said, "keep the tip!"

ALL: Said, "keep the tiiip!"


The Village People


WAYNE: I love The Village People, now please don't get my wrong
I love Y.M.C.A, hey, girl, that's my song!
But, you see, in San Francisco is where they belong
and all them Village People inspired me to wear my thong!

DREW: I love The Village People, they give me confidence
Even though I'm not too bright, I am rather dense
I have a fat white body, and I don't have a tan
but when I put on leather pants, I am a Macho Man!

COLIN: About The Village People, I have a lot of facts
Did you know they made a movie? Yes, they acts
It really is quite wonderful, I can't believe my eyes
If you laid them end to end, I wouldn't be surprised

RYAN: I don't like The Village People, think they're kind of rude
Don't you know their lyrics can be kind of crude
When it's on my stereo, I always hit the mute
but I'll have to admit: the Indians's kind of cute!

ALL: The Indian's kinda cuuute!


Men


WAYNE: I've got a message, to all of you gals
I'm a sensitive man, so why can't we be pals?
I know sometimes in the past, I haven't treated you right
That's why I'm takin' hormones, boom! I'm a transvestite

CHIP: Men can be quite mean, men can be quite bad
I bet you had a boyfriend, I bet he was a cad
I don't really like men myself, that, I can tell
But my friend Ryan, well, he thinks they're swell

COLIN: I am a man, I love films with violence
I like to watch them everyday, even when they don't make sense
I saw this one with a guy with a gun, his shots would never miss ya
Then he'd hit ya with a flower, he was Dirty Harry Krishna

RYAN: Like me tell you all about men, I walk the walk
I don't care what people say, just let them talk
All the rumors goin' 'round, ah, yeah, they're kinda scary
I guess I'm gonna have to stop it, showering with Drew Carey

ALL: Showering with Drew Careyyy!


Gambling


WAYNE: Here we go!
You can shut me up, I promise I won't ramble
I always go to Vegas, if I wanna ramble
But this time, my reason is a beaut
I'm gonna go to Vegas, to get a prostitute!

DREW: Oh, if you ever gamble, take some advice from Drew
There's something you should never, ever, ever, ever do!
What's the best advice? The best advice, I guess
is if you ever win big, don't tell the IRS!

COLIN: After playing strip poker, I'm naked at the table
Gee, I feel really bad and really quite unstable
There's nothing worse like sitting there, in your birthday suit
Never play strip poker at a correctional institute!

RYAN: I just heard that Vegas just went broke
Apparently it's because of just one single bloke
They never sought that they'd ever see this day
but that's what happens when Drew Carey eats buffet!

ALL: Drew Carey eats buffeeet!


Christmas


BRAD: I look forward to Christmas, each and every day
But this year I got no presents, and I don't know what to say
I guess that old Santa Claus, was just a liar
and there was a funny smell when I lit the fire

DREW: Christmas is a holiday, that I really hate
There's nothing about it, to which I can relate
So every December twenty-fifth, I kick off my shoes
and go down to the deli, and hang out with the Jews!

COLIN: Up in the North Pole, the elves all went on strike
Santa didn't care, he said "go on, take a hike!"
Things were horrible that Christmas, it all just turned to poo
As Shakespeare said, remember, to thine own elf, be true!

RYAN: I love when Santa goes, delivers all the toys
I love to see the smiles, on all the girls and boys
Really is a holiday, a time to pause
Every Christmas Eve, you'll find me (censored)


Cop shows


WAYNE: Whoo!
CHIP: Yee-hee!

WAYNE: Boy, oh listen, nothing amuses me
than sitting at home and watchin' reality T.V.
Now, that show "Cops," I think that it's the bomb
Until I turn it on and say, "damn, that's my mom!"

CHIP: Yee-haw!
I love me a cop show, of that you can be sure
Until one night I'm watchin', and they bust down my door
They bring inside a deputy, they bring inside a jailer
And then they confiscated everything inside my trailer

COLIN: I saw a cop show, it really made me mad
It was so horrible, the writing, it was sad
The more I watched it, the more it was the pits
It had Abe Vigoda and Erik Estrada, it was called "Fish and Chips"

RYAN: Oh, boy, those cop shows, they give me such a fright
and it seems like they are on every single night
Sure, you can watch 'em, if you really want a scare
Thursdays at 8, you can see Melissa's underwear!

ALL: Melissa's underwearrr!


Children


JOSIE: Just the other day, my husband said to me,
"Darling, why don't we, start a family?"
What a silly notion, what a silly whim
Why do I need children when I've already got him?

DREW: I don't pay alimony, I don't pay child support
I don't pay nothin', of no kind of that sort
I get to keep all the money that I'm paid
How can ya have any children, if ya never, ever get (censored)?
Hey!

COLIN: My wife always bugged me, to start a family
but I had a real low sperm count, so it was hard, you see
So, we did something that I think was really bold
We adopted triplets, they're girls and eighteen years old!

RYAN: The wife and I, just had a kid again
I guess this brings the grand total to, I think it is ten
How we had another, I just can't see
since two years ago I had a vasectomy!

ALL: Va-sectomyyyy!


Family Reunions 1


BRAD: Every family reunion, it's such an awful night
It's my whole family, getting in a fight
Then, later on, they try and do a dance
but it's not a family reunion 'til my uncle drops his pants!

DREW: Don't like talkin', about my family
No siree, Bob, that's not the subject for me
but let me ask ya a question...tell me, Jack
Am I adopted? 'Cause the rest of my family's black!

COLIN: A family reunion, about which I'm about to sing
Strange things are always happening
I went to see my favorite uncle, but he was not there
He had an operation, now he is my Aunt Claire

RYAN: I want to see my relatives, but don't you know it's not right?
Every time we get together, all we do is fight
I wanna see my family, but doncha know I can't?
We are from the south, and my sister is my aunt!

ALL: My sister is my aaaunt!


Movie Usher


WAYNE: Now, here's a little something, that I have to say
There's one person, who ruins a matinee
Always tryin' to stop me, yes, I bet
That movie usher who wants to touch my Raisinettes

DREW: The other day, to the movies, man I had to go
The music wasn't much, and the plot, it was so-so
Don't you think that one day I'd be learnin'?
Never go to the movies and do an impression of Pee Wee Herman

COLIN: I went to a movie the other day, I put down all my money
I got in a fight, with the usher, it wasn't funny
I hit him really hard, he wish he never wasn't born
and to get his revenge, he peed in my popcorn

RYAN: I'm at the movie theatre every Tuesday, without fail
This time I'm going to see a swash-bucklin' tale
I am gonna sit in the back row, watch it from afar
and this pirate movie, it is rated "Argh!"

ALL: It is rated "Arrrgh!"


Shoplifting


WAYNE: Whoo! I sure love this one!

When I was younger, took a field trip to the zoo
I was really mischievous, so here's what I would do
But my crime, damn, it made me dance
I tried to put a cheetah and a rhino in my pants!

GREG: When I go out to a store, I never like to pay
WAYNE: Uh-uh!
GREG: I got five-finger discount, I just take it away
I never pay for nothin', I don't pay no rent
and I never tell the truth 'cause I'm the president!

COLIN: The other day, I stole something, it really was a sin
It was a little revolve, made of gelatin
It really was a bad ide, something I should've slept on
'cause I was arrested for carrying a congealed weapon

RYAN: Shopping the correct way can be such a bore
I have to steal everything when I go in a store
Not to loot and take things can be really hard
but I guess I shouldn't 'cause I am a security guard!

ALL: am a security guaaard!


Cable guy/company


BRAD: I had to wait for cable installation the whole day
It really made me mad that for T.V. I must pay
So, when he come to the door, what did he see?
I was wearing a negligee, and I got cable for free!

DREW: Oh, you might think it's risky, for a guy like me
to be makin' fun of the cable company
Won't that cost you lots of mon-ey?
No! 'Cause I'm not on cable! I'm on ABC!

COLIN: With my new cable, I have a lot of choice
Some of it makes me happy, some of it makes me moist
Gee, it's a lot of fun, I'm happy as a mouse
Now all day, I can see Full House!

RYAN: I really hate my cable guy, he makes me wait all day
There is one guy that I really don't wanna pay
Then, one sunny day, I really got my wish
I murdered my cable guy, and then I got a dish!

ALL: then I got a diiish!


Puberty


GREG: My voice was high and screechy, my hair was lank and freaky
I walked around the school feeling full-on totally geeky
But the thing I hate most, when I went to the dance
Was getting dragged across the lawn, in my underpants

DREW: Well, I hated high school, I did not have a ball
I just hated, walking through the hall
I hated, going to every class
'Cause the pimples on my face. But now they're on my ass!

COLIN: The hardest time of my life, was going through puberty
It seemed like everything around, just excited me
Now listen to me now, this isn't one of my rants
When you go through puberty, do not wear sweat pants

RYAN: I didn't handle the pu-berty thing too well
In fact for me, it was like going too hell
And it was kind of 'barrassing, if the truth be told
'Cause when I went through it, I was forty-two years old.

ALL: Forty-two years oooold!


Halloween 1


WAYNE: Everytime it's Halloween, whoo, make room!
Because I have, the world's best costume
If you see me, get a sheet, man
Because I'll pull it over my head and go as The Ku Klux Klan

DREW: Halloween's the only time I get a girl
That's the only time I really give it a whirl
Never get anyone pregnant - "how is that," you ask?
Well, it's real easy - I wear a rubber mask

COLIN: This Halloween, I thought it would be fair
if I gave all the kids one real big scare
It went way too far, and now I'm being sued
This is the last year that I go as a nude

RYAN: I have the most horrifying costume you've ever seen
When the children see me, they run away and scream
When it comes to costumes, there is none more scary
I put on stupid glasses and go out as Drew Carey!

ALL: Out as Drew Careyyy!


You're Ugly


WAYNE: Let me tell you something, happened just the other day
My date was so ugly, I almost ran away
She was just horrific, where can I begin?
When that heffer was born her mama should've pushed her back in!
Just ugly!

DREW: I met a girl in a night club, it was pretty dark
Thought I'd take her home, just for a lark
But when I saw her in the light, I ran a mile
'Cause she looked, just like Ryan Stiles

COLIN: I'm an ugly woman, yes it is not fair
I have an ugly face, and I have no hair
What can I do, that's the way the fates went
The only person who'll sleep with me, is the president

RYAN: I am so ugly that I'll never have a lover
When I leave the house, all the dogs run for cover
I'm big and white and round, and my back is real hairy
Yes, you guessed it, my name is Drew Carey


Bachelor Party


GREG: I went up to Drew's house, because he's getting married
He's gonna be married to the girl that'll be Miss Drew Carey
He said there'd be a stripper, and there was, and it was scary
'Cause when the stripper came out, it was Drew Carey!

DREW: Had a bachelor party...took off our clothes
It was pretty wild...heaven knows
I was embarrassed...when I went to tip her
Turns it my mother...was the stripper!

COLIN: I went to a bachelor's party, I really had a ball
Boy, I consumed an awful lot of alcohol
In fact, it was really bad, in fact, in spelled my doom
'Cause when I awoke, I found I'd married the groom!

RYAN: My friends threw me a party, I knew that I was sunk
We stripped right down, all night long, got really drunk
Dancin' with my naked friends, boy, that's the life!
As a matter of fact...to Hell with my wife!

ALL: To Hell with my wiiife!


Bad neighbor


WAYNE: Who knew that when I, moved into my house
My new neighbor would be such a louse
He is just like Jar-Jar Binks 'cause he is always rude
peekin' in my window when I'm break-dancin' nude

DENNY: I once had a neighbor, living there was really hard
I used to find legs and arms, buried in my yard!
My husband said, "honey, you really should be calmer,"
but I said, "it's your fault we moved next to Jeffrey Dahmer!"

COLIN: Parties with drunks and naked girls are happening next door
There is an awful racket, it's shaking up my floor
There's in and out and things are happening; I know I shouldn't grouse
but boy, I hate living, next to The White House!

RYAN: I really hate the guy who lives next door to me
I wish he would move real far, oh, so I couldn't see
People runnin' naked, it's really, really scary
but I guess that's what you get when you live door to Drew Carey!

ALL: Next door to Drew Careyyy!


Scary wife


WAYNE: Oh, I got married, about a year ago
I'm as happy as can be, I think you all should know
But my wife, I'm glad I did marry
Except in the mornin', she looks like Drew Carey

DREW: Well, Wayne gets worried, about his little wife
'Cause she is the love of his life
But every night, just about three
Oh, Wayne, she's out with me

COLIN: Every night my wife scares the life out of me
With her ugly hair and scars all you can see
Marrying someone that ugly, really wasn't my plan
I accidentally married Dennis, Rod-man.

RYAN: You know that my wife, she is my best pal
I will have to say that she is quite a gal
When it comes to wives, she is the best
She's the finest in the land, phew, now I'll get some sex

ALL: Now I'll get some seeex!


Probation Officer


WAYNE: Here's a little fact, that I think you oughta know
I got out of jail about two months ago
I'm stuck in my house, allll alone
Because of this bracelet, I can never leave my hom - OW!

DREW: My idea of fun is go to Alabama
to see all my friends, who are stuck there in the slamma'
Then I find, a frog or a tadpole
and I take 'em into a room, and I violate parole

COLIN: I've got a probation officer, he's not very tough
He doesn't have that many rules, my life is not that rough
Life is pretty easy, if you know what I mean
'Cause my probation officer is Charlie Sheen

RYAN: My officer wants me, to go back to jail
I thought I was scot-free, I thought that I'd made bail
When I go back, I know that I will do life
The really bad part is that I'm everybody's wife

ALL: He's everybody's wiiife!


Game Show Hosts


WAYNE: I watch game shows, I watched them all day long
I watch all of them, and they have real great theme songs
But there is something, I understand with my wife
If they had a game show in South Central L.A., it'd be called "Run For Your Life"
You're next, man!

DREW: I hate to tell the story, 'cause myself it might embarrass
But the other night, I went out with the daughter of Chuck Barris
When we went to make love, she did something that's wrong
I took off my pants, and she gave me the gong

COLIN: I am a game show host, my life's a game, you see
I fill it all with danger, I'm...in Jeopardy!
It really is quite wonderful, I do it with all my might
I hang out with prostitutes because the price is right

RYAN: I'm on a game show, competing against a girl
When I look at her, it sends my heart in a whirl
To beat her at this game, it would be so heinous
I answered to this question, it must be (buzz)!

ALL: It must be (buzz)!


Plastic Surgery 1


WAYNE: Here is some news, I heard all over the place
Michael Jackson had surgery, to fix his face
He didn't think that he looked good, he started sulking
I saw him the other day, he looks just like Maculay Culkin

CHIP: All right, okay!
I know something nice, it isn't so darn nasty
You could just be a doctor, and go givin' rhinoplasty
Michael Jackson had some, it wasn't just his loss
Instead of one Michael Jackson, now there's two Diana Ross

COLIN: The plastic surgery didn't work, I must confess
My-my face is now one big bad mess
Here's a little hint, if any of you go
Make sure your doctor isn't Doctor Picasso

RYAN: I wanted surgery, but my doc said no
I had to force him 'cause I had no place to go
I had to threaten him, with my big old mauser
Now I look just like, a grown-up Doogie Howser

ALL: A grown-up Doogie Howserrr!


Melissa


RYAN: Oh, boy, those cop shows, they give me such a fright
and it seems like they are on every single night
Sure, you can watch 'em, if you really want a scare
Thursdays at 8, you can see Melissa's underwear!

ALL: Melissa's underwearrr!

RYAN: I hate it when they cut it, boy, they're such a snob
But I guess, in a way, that is just their job
They sit backstage, and they act all snooty
But I hope they don't cut, Melissa's nice tight booty!

ALL: Melissa's night tight bootyyy!

RYAN: Talkin' about traffic, it is boring all the time
It's hard to think about, something that'll rhyme
Traffic, ah, who cares, it's got no kind of class
Ah, once again, I gotta mention Melissa's ass

ALL: Mention Melissa's aaaass!


Halloween 2


RYAN: I have to say that Halloween, is my favorite day
When I open up the door, kids and mothers run away
I have no costume, I don't care in the land
I open up the door, I've got my penis in my hand!

What do you want? What do you want, everybody took mine!


Beach 1


WAYNE: Let me tell ya something, just listen to my song
I was on the beach, I got something caught in my thong
The pain was immense, I thought that I would hurl
A little piece of sand got trapped, UGH! I made a pearl

DREW: Oh, I went on vacation, and it was grand
I got lots of sleep, and I got really tanned
Now I'm back to work, don't wanna sound like a leach
But man, doing these hoedowns, really is a beach!

WAYNE: Yee-hee!

COLIN: I vacationed at the beach, I really had to frown
I was splashing in the water, and I started to drown
Water splashed into my lungs, I spluttered and I cough
Next thing I woke up having mouth-to-mouth with David Hasselhoff

RYAN: I went to the beach, and boy was the water cold
I got in anyway, because I was bold
When I jumped in, it was colder than I feared
That's the day, that my penis disappeared

ALL: Penis disappeeeeeeeared!


Winning the Lottery 1


WAYNE: If I had money, here's what I'd do, you see
I'd make it my mission, to help celebrities
I'd even help one guy, who I consider my friend
I'd spend all of my money to make Michael Jackson black again

DREW: Well, if I won the lottery, here's what I would do:
I'd buy a car, and maybe a house or two
But this is what I'm wondering, and this is what I'm askin'
If you won the lottery, why would you waste it on Michael Jackson?

COLIN: I'm sitting here, on my couch, watching the T.V.
They're picking all the numbers of my favorite lottery
I am so excited, when fortune calls
I've never been so happy, with someone picking my (censored)

RYAN: Winning the lottery would be kind of funny
Boy, I don't know what I'd do with all that money
A lot of people think that it would be kinda scary
But I would buy the show and fire Drew Carey!

ALL: Fire Drew Careyyy!


Beach 2


WAYNE: When I wanna vacation, I took a trip to the beach
Because it was the only stretch of land, that was reach
Oh, man, it was great, you understand?
When I went, I was as light as him, now I'm a dark man

DREW: Well, I went to the beach last week, I really caused a panic
People jumpin' from their blankets, fallin' off their hammock
Man, they were yellin', they were screamin' at me
I guess I shouldn't have worn, my tiny thong bikini

COLIN: I went to the beach because I'm really pale
I was skinny-dipping with my friend, the great white whale
I was out in the sun too long, I got really sick
Boy, it was so horrible, I burnt my Moby (censored)

RYAN: I went to the beach with Drew, and boy, was it fun
He took off shirt and everybody else was done
We got a place there, apartment that we leased
He was being pushed in the water by some guys from Green Peace

ALL: Some guys from Green Peeeace!


Plastic Surgery 2


CHIP: Whoooo-hoo!
Oh, once I was so ugly, I really did look nasty
Until I saw the doctor, and I got rhinoplasty
I went back and I went back, I didn't know when to stop
You might not recognize me, I was the king of pop

DREW: Well, one thing I always thought, really wasn't for me
was the thought of plastic surgery
But let me tell ya brother, and let me tell ya Jim
Before I had my face done, I used to look like him!

COLIN: My plastic surgeon gave me, a face that was so new
And he also threw in, a hair transplant, too
Oh, it really wonderful, though people made a crack
Because they got all the hair, from Drew Carey's back

RYAN: I went to the doctor, I thought it was funny
What I wanted to do, cost a lotta money
He did it right away, and never made a fuss
I took some of the inches from my feet, and put 'em on my pen-us

ALL: And put 'em on my pen-uuus!


Winning the Lottery 2


WAYNE: If I won the lottery, I would do lots of good
I would do exactly, what a friend should
Because, you see, I love you guys, let me explain
I'd take all my money and buy Colin some Rogaine
'Cause I love you!

DREW: Oh, I won the lottery, a million smackeroos
That'll really keep me, in Underoos
The only thing, that really is a bummer
I can't spend the money 'cause I'm in jail for runnin' numbers

COLIN: I have won the lottery, my riches I can flaunt
I don't care about anything, I can do anything I want!

RYAN: I'm sure all that money, would be really hard to spend
I'm sure it seems like it would never, never end
I could give it to charities, or so I am told
But I think I'll just have my penis dipped in gold

ALL: Penis dipped in gooold!


Astronauts


WAYNE: Let me tell you something, my girlfriend, I was a slob
But now look who's laughing, astronaut, it is my job
Flyin' around the universe, that is my duty
I even made a pitstop in Mars and got some Martian booty

JEFF: Well I work for NASA, and it is a great place
They let me take me girlfriend up into outer space
And now we're all alone up there, and she sure knows how to please
And her boobs really look nice in zero G's

COLIN: I am an astronaut but I'd rather be fishin'
Because I've been up in space for a ten-year mission
It really is so horrible, I'm really annoyed
I've been sitting down so long, I've got asteroids

RYAN: I think you will find when best astronaut will be found
I can't wait to blast off, and leave this ground
Soon as I get up there, oh boy, I yell "shoot"
I forgot about my training and I tinkled in my suit

ALL: I thinkled in my suuuit!


Skydiving


WAYNE: When I start dating, they say, "you're insane!
Wayne, why do you take your dates, up in a plane?"
Because, I know, that a girl loves the way I go
And so, if the date goes well, guess who'll be yelling "geronimoooo!"

DREW: Well, I say skydiving's, the best way to call it off
When you and your girlfriend have just had enough
Now, here's how you do it, no, don't think that I'm insane
you get her up there, take her 'chute off, and kick her off the plane

WAYNE: Whoo-hoo!

COLIN: I jumped out of the plane, my parachute, it failed
All the blood rushed from me, my complexion pailed
Everywhere, you could hear my scared call
Luckily, all my urine broke my fall

RYAN: I was skydiving when my parachute failed
I couldn't stop, I just sailed and sailed and sailed
But I looked around, and I was no dummy
I survived 'cause I landed on Drew Carey's tummy

ALL: On Drew Carey's tummyyyy!


Got Arrested 1


WAYNE: Don't make fun of the police, I say "stop!"
Because one of my best friends is a cop
Because I like the way that they do their thing
I say, hey, it's a good thing my name isn't Rodney King

DREW: When I was arrested, it wasn't good for me
They beat me and they stripped me and they searched my cavity
Why did this happen to such a guy, you say?
Well, to tell you the truth it was 'cause I was arrested in LA

COLIN: I am quite unbalanced, my mind is not that steady
I once pummelled a guy with an eveready
They took me down to jail and they arrested me
and they charged me with assault with a battery

RYAN: I got sent to prison, I didn't know what to do
I felt so bad, because I was so new
Didn't know the ways there, I felt like such a dope
But now I never bend down to pick up any soap

ALL: To pick up any sooooap!


Playboy Photographers


WAYNE: I've got a job, now don't you all laugh
I work for Hugh Hefner, I take photographs
But I stopped the day, I don't want to be rude
But you said, "Hey, Wayne, take pictures of Drew nude"

DREW: When I was young, I took up photography
Then I worked for Playboy, hee hee hee hee hee
What's the best thing about working over there?
Well, I saw Wayne's mom, in her underwear

WAYNE: How'd you know?
DREW: You got a fine mama.

COLIN: I am a photographer, but I'm not the best
I have a hard time, photographing chests
I called an expert, who lived out west
Because when it comes to this, father knows breast

RYAN: I'm taking pictures of Drew, out by his pool
He wants to be in the nude, I think that's kind of cool
He's paying me lots of money, all of it in tens
After looking at him, I think I'll need a telephoto lens

ALL: A telephoto leeens!


Rock Stars


WAYNE: If you don't like music, well you'd better stop
I love rock musicians and those kids who sing pop
Oh, you say "I don't like that music," yeah that's what you think
But trust me, nobody gets more booty than that group N Sync

DREW: When I became a rock star, I thought it'd be sex drugs and Rock n' Roll
I thought that all the women, would really take their toll
But now there's this fact, that really makes me loopy
Colin Mochrie, is my only groupie

COLIN: I am a member of the world's oldest band
I've slept with every supermodel in the land
Well, I didn't get one, but that is her loss
A Rolling Stone never gets no Kate Moss

RYAN: I wanna be a rock star, oh that I can see
I think that that would be the job for me
Rock n' Roll isn't the best music, I've found
But at least they don't have to do a stinkin' hoedown

ALL: Stiiinkin' hoedooown!


Plastic Surgery 3


CHIP: I really was so ugly, I looked just like a sturgeon
And so I went to Hollywood, and got myself a surgeon
He pulled it all much tighter, and here's the final crack
I got so much surgery, my ears meet in the back

DREW: Well I went to my plastic surgeon, and said that I would let her
Let her have a crack at me, to see if I could look better
Then when it was over, I said, "hey, thanks for tryin'
At least when you got done with me, I didn't look like Ryan"

COLIN: My mother had plastic surgery, she uses it like a crutch
She's had it seven times already, I think that's too much
I think that is way too much, hey, but what the heck
She's been lifted so much, her bum is at her neck

RYAN: I think girls are lookin' better all around the clock
So I got some money and I went to see the doc
I looked in the mirror and I didn't know what to do
So I thought that I might shoot myself because I looked like Drew

ALL: Because I looked like Drewww


Talk Shows


CHIP: Yeee-haw
WAYNE: Whooo!

CHIP: Well I went on a talk show 'cause I am such a swinger
I coulda gone on Sally, but instead I went on Springer
I never knew just what I could say, I know sometimes I can't
I came on with my transvestite gay lesbian's second aunt

DREW: Well, I died recently and I went straight to hell
What happened to me, I just can't tell
All I know is every day on T.V.
I was a guest of Regis and Kathie Lee

COLIN: I play at the stadium of baseball games
I once got censored, that's my claim to fame
It really was done by the censor named Morgan
When I told the crowd I loved to play with my organ

RYAN: When I watch T.V. I like to sit in the back
My favorite show is When Animals Attacks
Once I saw this thing with a big bum, it was all hairy
Then it turned around, I noticed it was Drew Carey!

ALL: It was Drew Careyyy!


100th Show


WAYNE: A hundred episodes of Whose Line, lord, it changed my life
It gave me financial security, for myself, my wife
So thank you, ABC and Warner Brothers, you're my friend
'Cause if it wasn't for Whose Line, I'd be on UPN

DREW: Well, today, it's been our hundredth show
It's been really fun...great, doncha know?
Let me just tell ya something, even though it's been a blast
All you folks who've been watching "Friends," you can kiss my ass

COLIN: A hundred episodes of Whose Line, where our name's being called
A hundred shows of them, saying that I'm bald
Does it hurt the friendship, can it stand the test?
Yes, it can, 'cause I'm hung the best

RYAN: Colin says he's hung the best, that I just can't see
I've known him for a long time, and it cannot be
He says he's got a big penis, but that's not a lock
'Cause I have to tell you, right now, mine's tucked in my sock

ALL: Mine's tucked in my sooock!


Wrestlers


WAYNE: Every Saturday, I'm at home doing my thing
Watching great big fellers run around in the ring
I sit there, me and Drew turn off the sound
And then we get freaky and do our own version of "Smackdown"

DREW: Well, I'm a wrestler, I love it, don't you see
It's really healthy and I make lots of money
The only thing I don't like, that gives me such a fright
is when I see Ryan, in his little tights

COLIN: I am a wrestler, let me on the loose
Over the years, I've taken lots of abuse
My head has been smacked, I'd been hit in the turnbuckle
Because of all my injuries, I've lost the ability to rhyme

RYAN: I hate wrestling, I think they're all on the take
The way they throw themselves around, I'm sure that it is fake
The way they act, you think that they really dead
But can they break a neon light by slammin' in with their head?

ALL: Slamming it with their heeead!


First Kiss


WAYNE: When you get a kiss, you get a kiss on the mouth
I've been kissed lots of times, I'm from Florida, that's a south
My first kiss, brother, it was the bomb
It wasn't from a girl in high school, it was from my mom

DREW: Well, my first job was in fast food, dontcha know
The hours real long, and the pay was real low
My boss told me that he didn't like my sass
So my first was a hearty "kiss my ass!"

COLIN: My first kiss, is something I won't forget
It was really luscious, boy, it was wet
It really changed my life, I'll never be the same
Oh, I wish I could remember the guy's name

RYAN: My first kiss happened when I was really drunk
But she wouldn't kiss me, 'cause she said my breath stunk
When it came to that date, I was really in a rut
I shoulda ran some string through my mouth and out my butt

ALL: Mouth and out my buuuutt!


Blind date 2


WAYNE: Whooo-hoo!
You see something, my datin' life is bad
I opened up the newspaper, and then I read an ad
The ad said it was great, and so I did not blunder
I opened up the door, and there was Stevie Wonder

CHIP: Once I got a blind date, I really liked his smile
He was very tall, though, his name was Ryan Stile
I went right on through it, that date was pretty rough
Sure, it was a blind date, but I wasn't blind enough

COLIN: I went on a blind date, her name was lovely Kate
Everything was wonderful, boy, it really was great
And what happened next, I tell you it is true
When I went and kissed her, she went "doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo!"

RYAN: I met a girl one day, who said she really liked me
Why she did, I really couldn't see
She was really turned on, she gave my types of clues
What really got her hot, was all my fancy shoes

ALL: All my fancy shoooes!


Doctors


WAYNE: They've got doctors, young and old
To help you with your heart or glands, or maybe when you got a cold
But my friend Colin, he dances really loose
The only doctor with his arm he needs to see, is Dr. Seuss

DREW: I love my doctor, he's given me lots of aid
My doctor makes me feel unafraid
Why do I love my dear old Dr. Merl?
Well, can you believe that I used to be a girl?

COLIN: I am a doctor, yes, I'm very bad
Boy, it makes my patients really really mad
The last guy that I had, still hasn't healed
I should've been gentler when I fluffed his Garfield

RYAN: I went to see my doctor, in his big white cape
He told me that I really need to get in shape
Boy, I really hate him, his words I despise
But I think that today I'd better start to exercise

ALL: Start to exerciiise!


Family Reunions 2


BRAD: Going to family reunions, puts me in a funk
I hang out with my relatives, and they all get drunk
You see, my mom, in her childhood was bad
I go to these family reunions, and try to find my dad

DREW: All this talk about relatives, really makes me queasy
I don't like to talk about my family, it makes me, a little uneasy
I have just one question, can you help me please?
Am I adopted, 'cause my family's all Chinese

COLIN: Family reunions are things that people hate
I personally think, boy, they're really great
I have a real good time, I know it sounds real sick
But I always go there, and I can pick up chicks

RYAN: I'll never see my family, and that is just a hunch
As it turned out, we weren't a very nice bunch
Oh, no, we were bad, we weren't any Hanson
I'll never see my family 'cause my name is Charlie Manson

ALL: My name is Charlie Mansooon!


Drunk Mother


CHIP: Yeeee-haw!
Well I knew Colin's mother, yes, I must tell the truth
When she was nursin' Colin, her milk was 90 proof
She wanted to kick the habit, she didn't know what to do
But if your baby looked like that, well, you'd be drinkin' too

DREW: Let me tell ya something, that happened just to me
My mama started drinkin', when I was just three
Now, I shouldn't let this secret slip
But my mama started drinkin' when she married Chip.

COLIN: My mother drinks a lot, I know that isn't strange
But her behavior gets really strange
She acts as if she's from somewhere else, maybe from Venus
Oh, by the way, Chip has a little penis

RYAN: Oh boy, this hoedown, it's takin' mighty long
I am so sick, of this bloody song
Wayne sits there, and he gets to rest
His penis is large, that's why he's behind the desk

ALL: Be's behind the deeeesk!


Got Arrested 2


WAYNE: There I go, I'm in my car cruisin'
Problem is, I've been out earlier boozin'
I shouldn't have done, the bad things that I did
The only upside is that I was arrested by Ingrid

DREW: The subject of my last arrest, well, I don't wanna delve
They put me on the ground and showed me their Adam-12
Then they Starsky and Hutch'ed me, and threw me on the floor
And that's how I ended up in Hawaii with five ho's

COLIN: I've been arrested, over twenty times
I'd been arrested, for many different crimes
People think it's horrible, but I think "what the hell?"
It's not that unusual, I play in the NFL

RYAN: I try to rob every store that I see
But one time I got caught by forty cops, how could that be?
I walked right in and I opened up the door
That's what I get for, robbin' a donut store

ALL: Robbing a donut stooore!


Body odor


CHIP: Yeeee-hee!
I had myself a lady, a really special girl
But then she went and left me 'cause I made her nose hair curl
She said she had to leave, she cried and fell to bits
She said, "it's not your face, it's just your pits, they are the pits!"

DREW: Well my wife left me, she ran out the door
She took all the furniture, she cleared me to the floor
When I asked her why, she said I smelled like no other
She said I smelled as bad as an episode of "Big Brother"

COLIN: There is a question that's been asked through the ages
Nobody has the answer, controversy rages
But I know the answer, and exactly what you think
Dinosaurs had B.O., now they're all extinct!

RYAN: Everybody might go - go have a - go to the bathroom for a while. Come back in. (sigh)
CHIP: Yodel-ay-ee, lidda-lidda-yo-lay-de-oooh
RYAN: I'm phased out. I can't do (censored).
DREW: I got one. Want me to do one?
RYAN: Come over here. Stand behind me and sing it.

DREW: Oh, I went on a date last night, it really didn't end well
She said she wouldn't kiss me, 'cause I had a weird smell
I said, "come on, baby, why don't you have a heart?
Sure, I might have B.O., but at least I didn't fart."

ALL: At least I didn't faaart!


The Backstreet Boys


CHIP: Yeeeee-haw!
Them Backstreet Boys, I think they really stink
It isn't anything personal, they're just not N Sync
This might be kinda weird, it could be a shock
But I still got a poster of the New Kids on the Block

DREW: Well, I hate, radio today
They don't have anything good to play
All they play is junk, they are in a rut
I wish they'd take the Backstreet Boys and shove 'em up their butt

COLIN: I hate the Backstreet Boys, they bug me like no one else can
So, I came up with a really cunning plan
I kidnapped them and then I showed them, oh, how to hurt
I made them all wear a copy of my shirt

RYAN: A lot of people think they're the best ones in the land
But the Backstreet Boys aren't my kinda band
Many people think that they are heaven-sent
But you're not a band unless you play an instrument

ALL: Play an instrumeeeent!


Director


WAYNE: I moved to Hollywood, to see if I could act
About five a-years ago, to this date, to be exact
I thought being a director, it would be groovy
My first directing job was in a home-made Drew porno movie

DREW: My first directing job, it was really great
Fans lined up to see it, they couldn't really wait
Uh, it was really...da bomb
It was a porno movie starring Wayne's mom

COLIN: I'm a big director, I keep egos in check
Stars rant and rave at me, but I think 'what the heck?'
Nothing really scares me, I know no fear
Nothing scares me since, Ryan licked my ear

RYAN: Our director, he really is the boss
For yelling and screaming, he's never at a loss
He's the meanest guy that you will ever see
He should sprout a mustache, and move to Germany

ALL: Move to Germanyyy!


Hockey Player


WAYNE: Well, I love hockey, the game can't be beat
Where else can you do a job where you're missing teeth?
I get plenty of dates, see, I'm never lonely
I take off my hockey costume and ride naked on the zamboni

DREW: Well, I met a girl last night, at the hockey game
One look at her, I knew things would never be the same
We went back to my place, and I was in luck
She wanted to go to bed with me and I said, "hey, what the puck?"

COLIN: [mouths the first three lines, and half of the last line]
...my battery pack!

RYAN: I'm a hockey goalie, and boy do I feel dumb
I forgot my shorts, and there is my bum
All the laughing, oh, when will it cease?
I guess I look funny with a puck stuck in my crease

ALL: A puck stuck in my creeease!


Police Officer


WAYNE: I always wanted to join the LAPD, LA's best
But I can't see, so I failed the vision test
I went one night to the church, and prayed under the steeple
I wanted to be a cop so bad, that I joined The Village People!

DREW: Next year I'm gonna marry, me a lady cop
'Cause with her, the sex is something I can't top
What's so sexy about her? Is that what you said?
Well, I love it when she reads me my rights and cuffs me to the bed!

COLIN: I was once the best cop, in all the land
People as they saw me, go, "boy, is he grand!"
I was so respected, believe me, I'm not lyin'
Until I got fired for making an "H" with Ryan

RYAN: I got busted once, and boy, did that hurt
He wasn't very big, he was a little squirt
He tried to frisk me, threw me up against the wall
He had to get a ladder 'cause I'm over six feet tall!

ALL: Over six feet taaaall!


Magician


WAYNE: I've always wanted to be a magician all my life
I go around the house going, "Hey! Surprise!" doing those things to my wife
I want to go to Vegas, her I do annoy
If I was one half of an act, it'd be "Siegfried and Leroy!"

DREW: Hoedowns about magicians, are really hard to do
Hard to think of one verse, let alone even two
Let me tell you somethin' that will give you a little laugh
If you take my rhyme again, I'm gonna saw your ass in half!

RYAN: There goes mine. Thank you, Drew.

COLIN: I am a great magician, I have this special hex
I can take a man, and make him change his sex
It really is quite simple, the best trick in the world
I just tickle Wayne's bum, and he screams like a girl

RYAN: Colin wants to be a magician, and I think he should
The only problem is, he's not very good
He really sucks, he's the worst in the land
His best trick is pouring hot coffee in his hand

ALL: Hot coffee on his haaaaand!


Ryan's Wife


WAYNE: Ryan, he was really tired of the dating scene
He wanted to get a spouse who was never mean
He wanted a girl with brains, and a girl that was kinda fina'
So he mail-ordered a chick, all the way from China
What? It's a mail-order bride!

DREW: When Ryan first met his wife, she fell in love with his nose
She couldn't wait to rip off all his clothes
But then she found out something that made her die
What they say about guys with big nose and big feet - it's a lie!

COLIN: Oh, Ryan Stiles, I love to be his wife
He's the best lover that I've ever had in my life
After we've made love, boy, I'm really high-steppin'
Mel Gibson isn't the only one with a lethal weapon!

RYAN: Getting married is what I always wanted to do
The happiest day was when my wife said, "I love you"
We're the happiest couple, to anyone who's seen us
And it beats the hell out of it - sitting around and pulling my own [bleep]!

ALL: Pulling my own ... !


Superman


WAYNE: Being Superman, it is really fun
Because you have powers, and I'd use every one
I would do it, and fight for right
And then I would party, 'cause it's "Krypto-Night"

DREW: Well, Superman is hunky and he looks good in his tights
He keeps ladies thinking of him at nights
But there's one thing that causes ladies pain
When he makes love to them, he's faster than a train

CHIP: Oh, Colin does remember all the time he spent
Wishing he was Superman, or at least Clark Kent
He waited all his life, he waited for that day
But just like Superman, his hair was up, up, and away!

RYAN: Just like Superman, I've got special powers
I have fun with them, I can use them for hours
With my X-Ray vision, I can do no wrong
Right now I'm looking at Drew Carey's thong!

ALL: At Drew Carey's thooong!


Zoo


WAYNE: I met my girl at the zoo, and that's no junk
I'm dating an elephant...that, she has a trunk
And I love her, I give her my allegiance
Why? She doesn't ant money. She just works for peanuts!

DREW: Well, we went to the zoo, my girlfriend and I
Just to see some rhinoceri
But there weren't any around, so we went out to the lake
And I went underwater, and I showed her my snake

COLIN: I went to the zoo, with my lovely girl
We had lots of fun there, we gave our love a whirl
Boy, we had such a really good time
This last line would be funny, but Drew took my rhyme

RYAN: A zoo is a place I don't want to be
All of the animals really frighten me
Here comes a hippo, oh no, it's kinda scary
Oh, it's not a hippo. It's just Drew Carey!

ALL: It's just Drew Careyyy!


Cheated on the wife


WAYNE: Well, I know that we're in matrimony
But I cheated on you, so I feel just like a phony
Now, girl, you see, from the day that we did marry
I was sleeping with you, but I was making love to Drew Carey!

DREW: Let me tell you, ever since I was thirteen
You've given me the best lovin' that I've ever seen
Let me tell ya something, that I know you can't stand
I've been cheating on you with my other hand!

COLIN: Yes, I've cheated on you, I've had women by the score
At last count, it was over eighty-four
I don't care that you're mad, or your pride is bent
'Cause I've just been pardoned by the ex-president

RYAN: I've cheated on my wife with her sister and her mother
I also slept with her cousin and her brother
Boy, when she heard, boy did it sting 'er
The good news is next week, we're on Jerry Springer!

ALL: We're on Jerry Springerrr!


Rock Star 2


WAYNE: I love bein' a rock star, pop stars make me sick
I fly around the world, and I get a lot of chicks
The best part about being a rock star, that I thunk
Because I sing my songs, and - (thud)

DREW: Yeah, I love being a rock star
I make 'em pay me in pearls
I make lots of money and get lots of teenage girls
And when I'm singing, I really got the power
Yeah, I'm a rock star when I'm naked in the shower

COLIN: I wish I was a rock star, my image would be good
I would look so virile, like any rock star should
I put a cucumber in my pants so it looks like I don't lack
Of course it'd look much better if it wasn't in the back

RYAN: I wanna be a rock star, that's what I wanna do
I bet every one of you would like to be one too
I'd like to sing Rock n' Roll, that's my kind of sound
You'd never hear me singing, a stinkin' hoedown

ALL: A stinkin' hoedoooown!


Moving


GREG: Oh, I work for a mover, right here in Hollywood
I pull up my truck, and you know it's all good
I had to move Drew Carey, and it was real queer
He didn't have no belongings, just a million cans of beer!

DREW: Last September, I had a stressful day
I had to pack my stuff, and move away
But one thing went wrong, man oh man
I couldn't fit my fat ass in the van

COLIN: I had to help a friend move, he worked in the coal mines
Because of doctor's orders, he had to move to warmer climes
It really turned out badly, I know I shouldn't whine
But I was arrested for transporting a miner over the state line!

RYAN: Maybe this is a hoedown, I'll do real good this time
Hey, this is easy, I'm really starting to rhyme
It's going great, boy, I hope I have some luck
'Cause last time I messed up, said a word that rhymes with "duck"

ALL: A word that rhymes with "duuuuck!"


Pregnancy Test


GREG: Hey, I got a girlfriend, you know her name is Ruth
The reason that I love her is she always tells the truth
We have not made love not once, since our inception
But now she's pregnant, she tells me it's immaculate conception!

WAYNE: I had this girly, yes, she was the best
Because she caused me, yes, a lot of stress
She drove me crazy and drove me insane
She showed me a little strip and said, "Here's a little Wayne!"

COLIN: I took a pregnancy test, it really was a topper
Because it took place upon...a helicopter
My girlfriend, she went the full term
And all because the whirly-bird got...the sperm!

RYAN: My girlfriend is pregnant, I just heard from her
Thinking about it, it just makes me go, "GRRR!"
Someone makes me nervous, someone bring me towels
'Cause when I just went, "GRRR!" I emptied all my bowels

ALL: I emptied all my boooowels!


Working Out


WAYNE: I love to work out because I'll get a date
So I don't hesitate to go and grab a rate
People, here's a fact that I bet you didn't know
I got my butt this tight because I do Tae-Bo

DREW: Well, people always ask me, "How do you stay in shape?" (WAYNE: How?)
"How do you get that body? Is it lifting weights?"
Well, let me tell you something, my secret I hold dear
I got this body by lifting cans of beer
Hey!

COLIN: I don't like to work out, 'cause I'm very meek
I really can't do anything strenuous 'cause I'm very weak
When I do actually work out, people filled with smiles
I can't lift anything heavy, so I bench-press Ryan Stiles

RYAN: I really don't have to sing this song anymore
It could rr - turn out to be a real big bore
I know I'll win this game, I'm not better than the rest
But I'm sleeping with Denny, and she's behind the desk!

ALL: She's behind the deeesk!