COLIN QUOTES!!!!!!

If that isn't the truth, it would be a lie.

You know, when riding on a bus, or as our Canadian friends say, a "boos"...

The Beatles, the Rolling Stones, Barbara Streisand, Bruce Springsteen, these are just some of the people who have threatened to sue if we use their songs.

Famous Playboy, Hugh Hefner managed to successfully stop an order of monks from operating a business on his property. The police forced the friars to close down their stall, which was outside the Playboy Mansion, where they had been selling flowers. Said one friar, "Well, if it was anyone else we may have gotten away from it but unfortunately only Hugh can prevent florist friars."

Welcome to the 6 o'clock news. Our top story: Wives live longer than husbands because they're not married to women.

Welcome to the 4.15 news. I'm your anchor, Orland Kurtbach. Today's top story: 9 out of 10 Americans believe that out of the 10 people, 1 person will always disagree with the other 9.

Good evening and welcome to the six o'clock news. I'm your anchor, Oswald That-Ends-Wald. Our top story today: Convicted hitman, Jimmy "Two Shoes" McClardy, confessed today that he was once hired to beat a cow to death in a rice field, using only two small porcelain figures. Police admit this may be the first known case of a knick-knack-paddy-wack.

Our top story today: According to a recent scientific report, men think about sex every 6 seconds and beca...(pauses)

Welcome to the six o'clock news. I'm your anchor, Thor Buttocks. Our top story today: Sixties musical group The Byrds today announced their 24-city reunion tour with their new band member, George W. Bush. To save some money, Bush would play guitars and drums. According to a spokesman,” a Bush in the band is worth two in The Byrds".

This just in: Beverly Hills 90210, Cleveland Browns 3

Thou doth not fool me, Beelzebub! I can see thee unbuckle the buckle of my hat! One of many pranks this heathen the devil hath done and now he must go to heck! The very heck from which he was spawned. Oooh! Thou just made me say spawned and to think of spawning! Thou truly are the devil!. Excuse my spit.

Welcome to the six o'clock news. I'm your anchor, Pierre Cause-My-Bladder's-Empty. Our top story tonight: NASA sends probe to Uranus. People everywhere giggle.

Welcome to the six o'clock news. I'm your anchor, Yasser Yasser Three-Bags-Full.

It's the six o'clock news, I'm your anchor, Lars Lars Pants-On-Fars.

Sorry I was late but I wasn't on time

THE CAT!!

Oh, we've got to come up with a plan. Or our heads will be cut off and put on a pike and they'll ride through and go, "Look at the head on the pike!"

But they cannae take me haggis, cuz I dinnae like it much!

Listen to me..do lt like you're performing in the perfect dork. Dork..no light..dork

When I first come to this country with nothing but a hammer and a powerful laxative, I said to myself, "I wouldn't have to deal with this crop!"

As Rodgers & Hammerstein said, the hills are alive with the sound of CRAP!

Two fries and a coke
- Suggestion: Bad choices to make when a genie grants you 3 wishes

Give me liberty or a bran muffin!!
- Suggestion: Confusing battle cries

Niii-iiiice pants!
- Suggestion: World's worst catchphrases

Bathe the whales!
- Suggestion: Strange causes to raise money for

Monkey, monkey, chew the butter, see my buttocks, they faster faster, battoota, battoota, monkey monkey. Look, there's a gerbil, I'm going up and down. 60 minutes where are you? Here's an expose for you!
- Suggestion: Strange chants overheard when jumping rope

With the wig, you remind me of Julia
- Suggestion: Bad songs to sing in prison

Colin: Miami - The land that time remembered
(Drew interjected, "Miami's a city")
Colin: Florida - Not to be confused with Miami
- Suggestion: Rejected state mottos

“Ow!” (rubs ribcage)
- Suggestion: The first thing Adam said to Eve

Hawaii is kind of shaped like a liver, right?
- Suggestion: Things the pilot wished he hadn't said when the intercom was on

Though you come from the small town of Pock pucker
- Suggestion: First lines of the worst poem ever written

Come to Florida and die. Come to Florida and die!
- Suggestion: Rejected state songs

Where's the rest of the Village People?
- Suggestion: Bad things to say when a policeman stops you (on the road)

Balding men: best lovers in the world!
- Suggestion: Newspaper headline you'd most want to see

I'll take animal genitalia audio clues.
- Suggestion: Rejected Jeopardy categories

Mommy, how come no one looks like me on Friends?
- Suggestion: Difficult questions for mommy to answer

You are dead to me. -Nothing but scum! When I look in your eyes.. I get influmation of the bum! You make me feel putrid! ( Ryan starts to take him back to their side ) I hate the way you-- .
- Suggestion: Ending a long-term relationship in song

Hi I need some monkey testicles and a cola.
- Unusual things for a neighbor to ask to borrow.

You tolerate me! You really, really tolerate me!
- Bad Award Acceptance speeches

He wasn't a handsome man. He had a face like a collapsed lung.

I let him think for awhile cuz I knew he had the answer. I knew it was a good answer and he was gonna tell it. Cuz when you ask a question you'd expect an answer because that's the way it works: question..answer...answer..question. If he gave the answer, I would have to go with a question. That would be Jeopardy, that's wrong.

Many people think it's in bad taste to advertise for an insane asylum...but come on down! We're going CRAAAZY!"

Why can't we all sing a rousing song of Kumbaya?

Why can't we make a nice felt marker out of twigs and a popular cola?

Doctor, doctor please make me well
As you can see, I've gone right to shell
I think I'm an armadillo
Yo ta oh yo le ke le hee.. oooh what a nice pillow!

Let's go on the Big-Scream-A-Whirl-A-Noise..the loudest rollercoaster in the world.

Back back devil, you must desist!
I'm Richard Simmons, the exercisist!
And one two three four!..One two three four!
And twirl ..(Colin rotates his head imitating Linda Blair)and twirl!

I'll be your lightning rod of hate!

My pack is halfway up my ass.

I'm adorable

RYAN QUOTES!!!!!!

Nothin' like butt toast and head eggs!

You know, Col, in 1964 I recieved my draft notice to go to Vietnam. Unfortunately I was five years old.

What he didn't was...or know was...or was know, was that I was dyslexic.

You're not my father!!

A teacher? A teacher? Honey, prostitutes make twice that money!

I'm not talking coffee, Mr. Moo!

If this were a man who doth not have a pass, he wouldst be an outsider!

Pikachuuuuu!!!!!

Colin, I'm pregnant!

That'sa melon!!

I am Lord Pigly!!

I really have nothing to say, I just like this hat.

She's turned into a fly!!

Ohhh, batgirl, ooohhhh, batgirl, oh, battttgirrrlll!!!!!

I can't get on my horse anymore!

Things are goin' great in the city! The city! The city! The city!

Guess what Drew? I didn't get any foam but I got a lot of air and you know what? It's alllll good.

Does someone have a bun in the oven? That'll be .85 for the loose woman.

Welcome to Hawaii, how'd you get here in a car?

Utah welcomes you and your wives.

I got pinched and grabbed all the way down the aisle!

I said to Colin, I said to Colin "Did you know that was me?" and he goes "Yeah" and I go "How'd you know it was me?" and he goes "Cuz I know your lips!"

I should hope you're on the pip!

Aw, cute kitty, cute kitty, KITTY DIE FIVE YEARS AGO!!!

We've run out of....mascara.

What's the matter with roadkill? What's the matter with roadkill?

Stupid crown!

You know why, man? Cuz you're hangin' out with the wrong crowd.

If you were a man away from bars then you would be freeeee!!

This is a chicken leg, this is a chicken leg on drugs.

What was funny was watchin' the audience cuz something would happen and they'd go "AH! OHHH-OHHH! AH-OHHHHH!!!!"

GREG QUOTES!!!!!!

Hey, thanks for lettin' me wear your hat, man.

Hello, I'm Colin Mochrie. Have you been to Canada? *does Dino*

Hey-hey, I got a baby girl out there named LINNNNDAAA!!!

Great leaping salamanders of flame!!

Watch out for those tempo changes, man. We go into the second bridge and this s*** takes off!

Great googly moogly!

I know it's only our first date but...I LOVE YOU!!!! BE WITH ME!!!!!!!

Greg: (inaudible). Drew interjects -"What man? We couldn't hear ya." Greg: I'm wearin' a fish head. I'm forty-two f***in years old and I'm wearin' a fish head.

I don't care who you are, that's good TV. Somethin' for the kids, grandma, everybody.

You sly raccoon!!

Did I mention he's a fish stick?

Some girl named Susanne??

A chicken with an attitude?

This message will turn into a bird and fly away - right now!

Psychic convention canceled because of unforeseen circumstances.

No he's not, I just always say that about Colin.

In the world of poo, there's only one scooper. I'm Greg Proops, the pooper scooper.

Who beat Al Gore? Who beat Al Gore??

What's the W stand for anyway? Whatever.

Looks like someone wants to grease THIS machine!!